Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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