i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
We were destined to go to rehab together
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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