First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
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