her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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