So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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