Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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