I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
