They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
