There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
