I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
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He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
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I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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