I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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