i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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