i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
