It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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