My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Someone signed my nipple.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
