please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
