I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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