a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
