You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
