Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
two words: eviction party
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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