I smell stomach acid.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
