The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Randomize
