even my farts smell like vagina
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
