i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Randomize
