Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
