Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
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How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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