some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
