Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
