I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
