The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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