Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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