Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
