i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
