The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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