Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
