And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
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He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
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I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
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