OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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