I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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