it hurts more in the daytime
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
