420 ftw
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
