her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
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he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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