Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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