I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
