Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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