just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
