Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
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