When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
