it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
