Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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