WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
