my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
