He disabled his match.com account in front of me
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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