I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
