The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Edward fifth and chaser hands
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize