For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
