Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
